Saturday, August 18, 2012

Hard To Say Good Bye

This week has been a challenge because I said good bye to my mom and saying good bye to our home of 3 1/2 years.

I didn't think it was going to be so hard to say good bye to my mom as she continued on with her travels. But the moment I sat back into the car after dropping her off at the airport my heart felt so heavy and the car seemed to empty. Five years was a long time to be apart and now nearly 5 days later it feels longer than five years has passed. What I learned from this is a reminder that time is to precious. Every moment we get to share with a loved one is really what makes life worth it. The exchange that takes place energetically has no measure. I enjoyed spending 3 weeks with my mom. Waking up every morning to her, the smell of her, all her many questions, and most of her love made everyday that much better.  My boys got to me their mom's mom and understand who grandma is. I would marvel at their interaction and how they each created their own connection to her. Our cat loved her, as soon as my mom arrived our cat attached herself to my mom and nearly never left her side her entire stay. I am so grateful the universe and with help from my sister made the trip possible. I've also been inspired to simplify my life so that my family can start to travel. It's been so easy to just stay in one place year after year. I love to travel and the idea of traveling with my boys to show them their family as well as new places has given me a lot of motivation to streamline our lives.

The day after my mom left we were faced with a reality that we would also be saying good bye to our home of 3 1/2 years. It has been sold and new landlords want a new lease that are not feasible for us. After a lot of work we have been blessed with a new place and with 1 week and 2 days to pack, move and clean everything. Today it hit home to me how much I love our little space. I was 3 months pregnant when we moved in and I was still breastfeeding my 19 month old son. In our little space I have breastfed and weaned my first son, enjoyed a blissful pregancy, experienced and amazing home birth, breastfed my second son for 2 years until he weaned himself as well as gone through many transformations myself. I had to sit down tonight and have a good cry to accept that we are moving on. The universe does have amazing plans for us. Every moment of everyday has worked with graceful synchronicity. I will miss our space as when I look at it I think of all the initimate moments that I had with my 2 sons during their early years and even first moments. I don't think I can ever say good bye to this space. It will always hold a clear picture in my memory.

With all the letting go taking place I'm welcoming the new in and excited about what is next. My boys talk about visitng Australia everyday. Our new home awaits us while we are in transition. I feel blessed to be reconnecting with my immediate family as well watching my boys grow each day. I am grateful I have the opportunity to change and learn from my experiences as well as letting time stand still and enjoy all those moments in between. I am open to all the blessings and miracles that are in store for us.

"Forget not that the Earth delights to feel your bare feet & the winds long to play with your hair..." - Gibran

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Forgiveness Is Freedom

2012, the Chinese year of the Dragon, a year of transformation, a year of Venus return and more. I started 2012 with a firm and grounded footing under my feet. I felt a shimmer of rumbling in the ground but I wasn't prepared for the quake. January started for me with a personal melt down that led into February. As I was frantically looking for salvation February rolled into March. March brought some relief. Relief came in the form of the right people being put in my path at the right time when I fully surrendered hope of surviving this massive internal quake by myself.

A dear friend Aleka Thorvalson with Aloha Healing Arts, http://www.alekasky.com/, returned my call for help. Aleka specializing as a Holistic Life Strategies Coach and Dynamic Food & Psychology & Mind/Body Nutritional Coach worked with me one on one to go to my deepest belief systems that were not serving me and need to be revealed. As I worked with her program and she pointed me in personal and spiritual ways to grow and learn more about myself. The "me" I so deeply wanted to be intimate again with but didn't quite know how was starting to be exposed in the light.

Part of this was to stop blaming others and seeing my part in things. I have had a hard time doing this for many years. Aleka's program gently helped me see this very clearly. I was able to talk to her about these discoveries and got even more clarity. A few major changes took place in my life. I started to feel a real sense of self esteem. Not the self esteem that fizzes out after a few days but the real stuff that I had admired in people my entire life. With this I started to look at myself and my relationships differently. Miraculously my relationships started taking deep transformations. At this point I was listening to Marianne  Williamson's A Gift of Change book in audio form. I gained a true sense of forgiveness for myself and others start to flood into my every being. Aleka provided wonderful guides to working on forgiveness and for the first time in my life I felt peace.

An amazing thing happened in this time. My mother called and asked if she could come visit and stay with my family. It had been nearly five years since I had seen her and a lot of my forgiving was being generating around my mother. As I was deeply forgiving her as well as myself I huge part of me that felt stuck for about 20 years released. At first it was very overwhelming because it was like watching a movie of someone else's life. This time the work didn't seem so hard but flowed and the peace came naturally. This is were I felt freedom. Freedom to be me, to be in relationships, to laugh, to cry, to dream, to think and to love. Freedom, yes freedom.
I have always loved Joseph Campbell's saying "Follow your bliss." I know I have bliss inside me but how do I follow it? This had been my on going question to my creator and myself. In the process were I found forgiveness it also led me to love the divine in me and in you as well as see everyone as a divine child of the universe. I felt as though someone had pulled off the dark hood over my eyes and replaced with a beautiful rosy colored pair of sunglasses. I will be honest and say this isn't always the case but this process has given me a stronger freedom to go back and stay in this place when I chose to. I would like to describe my transformation in 2012 as spiritual baby steps. Baby steps to follow my bliss, baby steps in believing in myself as well as wee steps to be of service to my creator and fellow spiritual beings.